Apparently you make a good broom.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
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Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
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Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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