i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
