Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
