why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
