Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
you never un-have a 4some
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
