I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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