I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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