I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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