I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
