Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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