Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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