Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Randomize
