The best revenge is premature balding
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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