so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
how drunk are you?
Several
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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