I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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