I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
