The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
