Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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