Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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