I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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