Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
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