OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
