she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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