So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
