Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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