my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I am naked and annoyed.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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