I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Randomize
