I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
