I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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