My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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