he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
