Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize