I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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