this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
