Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
