my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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