She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
