Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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