cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
