: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
