it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
