I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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