He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Pooping to opera.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
