My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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