when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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