White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
