It was confusing and full of hummus
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
