Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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