I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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