life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Boobs are out for the taking
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
