I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
