is your mom at the bar?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
