I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
